Living With Cancer: Some days are difficult

 

Some days really are harder than others, for the simple fact that cancer found and changed me forever.

Special Note: I believe my feeling of deep sadness at the loss of my adopted family’s mother, Margaret Thompson got hold of me. I pass my greatest sympathies on to the whole Thompson family, and share their loss and love for their amazingly kind mother. 

Why Me?

Even though I’ve been able to hold off the dreaded beast (cancer), at great personal cost to me and my family, I am diminished from the battle. For a long time I valiantly fought the emotional “Why me!” argument, winning and losing and winning again, as it goes. Though I’ve had some recent positive tests, my new struggle is to just believe in the good news that is offered to me. I’ll put it to you this way. Just imagine your fear of receiving a small static shock, you hate it. Even though you know it won’t kill you, it makes you jump. My anticipatory fear of my cancer returning is just like that, but the jolt is much, much worse.

Beyond the “why me” debate, I grow tired of the rebuilding process; the healing, aching body, restless sleep, and the forgetful, troubled mind that requires constant cajoling to just ‘get on with it’, but the hardest of all, is the struggle to remain hopeful.

Making, the Most of My Time.

I’ve been on this time bending rollercoaster for so long now that I easily lose track of the order of events. My smartphone photos and social media posts have literally become my memory map. If I’m struggling to remember an interaction or event, Facebook and Instagram are my first stops. 

Another way of marking time is by making stuff, any stuff. Make what, you may ask. I don’t really know how to answer that question, because I make the weirdest things. I found a long tree branch while walking my dogs, and the branch magically became a hiking pole for my son, then another hiking pole for a friend. Are they good hiking poles? Did my son or friends ever mention that they had always wanted a hiking pole? Well, apparently that didn’t matter to me, I made them.

This week, I made stretchy bead bracelets with lettered blocks, which explains the rude photo that began this post. Again, no one asked for such a thing from me. 

My wife regularly finds bags or boxes of things and kindly asks, “what’s this for?”. To which, after an inspection of the item, I pause and then reply, “Oh, that’s something I’m working on”, however it may be as much of a surprise to me. I may remember when I started working on that project, but the ‘why’ often remains a mystery. 

In Summary.

My cancer support team calls what I’m experiencing, chemo-fog, chemo-brain, or brain-fog. A Harvard University medical researcher states;

Some of the most common symptoms experienced by cancer patients are memory problems, difficulties with multitasking, and reduced attention and concentration. Historically, cancer patients with these symptoms were often diagnosed with depression. Research over the past decade has revealed that many cancer patients experience such symptoms as a consequence of specific damage to the brain caused by either their tumor or their treatment.

While radiation to the brain has long been linked to causing cognitive difficulties, the effects of chemotherapy on brain structure and function have only recently been discovered. We now know that the majority of patients treated for cancer, including breast, lung, colon, and many other cancer types, experience difficulties with memory, multitasking, cognitive processing speed, attention, and concentration as a consequence of their treatment. The good news is that such symptoms may slowly improve over time in most patients.(https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/suffering-from-chemo-brain-theres-hope-and-many-things-you-can-do-2019112018403)

That’s me in a nutshell, as they say. Although the very last sentence of the above paragraph, feels like the kind platitude cancer patients often receive. I understand that it’s meant to help prop up the patient when things get real bad. However, the longer your issue keeps you down, the less helpful it seems. Sorry, if I sound bitter about that one.

Anyway, the point of today’s post is that in spite of it all,  I am still happy to still be here. I am thankful to be able to hug my wife and tell her that I love her. I’m grateful to be a friend and father to my adult children and express my love for them. Equally, my love for my family and dearest friends feels so raw on days like these. Some days really are harder than others. My true hope is that tomorrow will be better. 

Thank you dear reader, 

Nudge